bygones that is not but should be

"bygones"

Siapa follow Ally McBeal dulu mesti tau ni tagline Richard Fish. Sikit-sikit, bygones, bygones.


bygone[bahy-gawn, -gon]

adjective
1. past; gone by; earlier; former: The faded photograph brought memories of bygone days.
noun
2. Usually, bygones. that which is past: Let's not talk of bygones.
Idiom
3. let bygones be bygones, to decide to forget past disagreements; become reconciled: Let's let bygones be bygones and be friends again.

I'm a firm believer of letting bygones be. However somehow we all will encounter that deja vu or karma, the feeling that we are haunted by our past.

Some week ago, an ex-boyfriend casually sent me a message over Facebook. Casually. Oh so convenient. Mungkin korang akan tanya, kalau aku malas nak layan apesal aku approve friend request dia. Ok la, i won't be petty about stuff, it's jsut because we share common friends i just refuse to give him that 'bahan' to talk shit behind me. Ye la, dah messed up hidup aku sampai aku fobia pada cinta (ewah, ni boleh jadi title/lirik lagu melayu ni), lepas tu dengan penuh innocent nye happily skipping in nak cakap HI apa khabar. Ok fine la kan, i'll take the highway and graciously layan ala kadar je la.

Ok about that oh-so-casual message. Mmg la before ni ada la to & fro tanya khabar and what not, which aku boleh tahan lagi la sebab tak mengganggu hidup aku pun. Plus it's not like aku yang initiate the communication pun. Like i said, i've always tried to take the highway la when he comes into the picture.

So it turns out that he & i are NEIGHBOURS. Tak tahan sungguh words like "laa...tak sangka" when i'm pretty sure i did tell him that i stayed there for like a year plus dah. Ok fine i know that malaysia ni tak la besar sgt, and selangor/kl kompem la kecik je, and i dont own the freaking neighborhood especially, but what are the odds of having to cross paths probably everyday with the man who practically made me shun love for 5++ years? Dah la kompem rumah aku dkt dgn the common tasik where definitely almost everyone akan pegi lepak kat situ. Kalau tak terserempak sekarang, kompem la akan terserempak in the future.

Aku tak berdendam. No, jauh sekali dari berdendam. I have in fact, moved on. I've luckily found a man who really loves me, and i'm madly in love with him too. He takes me for ME, and at the same time brings out the best in me. Yes, aku sangat2 bertuah. But deep down inside me there is a fear of being LEFT, being out of his gracious love, perennially etched in my brains because of that past. And i certainly dont need a physical reminder of that.

I dont want to be afraid of love, or to love.

And it's not that i regret having experienced that failed love. I am what i am today more or less, because of that experience. I now see that with every failure when we try to love, we learn to know what we don't want, what we dont need. It's what you take away from that experience that makes your soul richer. Dented, or more likely bruised, but definitely richer.

Soalannya ialah, kenapa tak boleh clean cut aje? Well, isn't it YOU yang tried your best to creep out of my life dulu? Fine, duduk la mana2 yang hang suka, tapi awat nak INFORM jugak yang hang duduk mana? Mmg la aku takleh halang sesiapa nak beli rumah kat situ, siapa ada duit, beli la. Tapi tolong la evolve sikit, sensitive sikit pada keadaan sekeliling, kalau tak nak consider how i feel at least consider la perasaan bini dia sendiri betul tak. Boleh pulak nak konon 'semangat kejiranan' like that. Euwh, agak geli di situ.

So now aku dah delete dia dari friend's list aku. Common friends in the list, still there. And you know what? I dont mind if dorang baca. Nak jadikan bahan mengumpat? Silakan. Boleh la dorang tau that i dont want to have anything to do with the fella.

Aku tak balas pun message tu, terus delete. haha.

Like i said, BYGONES.

i'm a big pile of hormones today. selamat la kena bambu. :P