Thursday, October 29, 2009

you're my addiction

A recent status update in my Facebook account got some interesting responses from some. Oh well, it's good to know that people actually take status updates quite seriously. hehe.

if Men are like Coffee, then i think i'm having aflian-withdrawal syndrome

It's interesting, how people are instantly drawn to the WITHDRAWAL section. It's us isn't it? We're all usually more drawn towards negativity, the Bad is instantaneously in bold rather than trying to find the Good in things/situations.

*note to self: to try to find Good dulu, baru la cari worst case scenarios*

Although the alfian-withdrawal syndrome tu mengikut sedap telinga and keyboard aku aje, however it made me think, really, about the withdrawal thingy. And also about caffeine. Further googling reveals that caffeine withdrawal symptoms is actually a serious medical condition.

I now realize that I had experienced those symptoms way back then. Especially after the SPM exams are over. Boy i used to consumed coffee by pots at one go. Masa tu gila study sampai pagi. Coffee, books, notes, and a Walkman sambil ditemani Glenn Ong (konon masa tu he's the King of late night radio, well, in singapore la at least. tapi mmg best gila. i love him). Petang2 masa prep dah pening/migraine. Makan panadol 6 bijik. Malam minum lagi kopi. Ye, mmg gila.

So after the exams i was back at home, mmg cut off la from kopi since parents aku tak minum kopi sgt. Cadang tu nak kerja odd job masa tu tapi those symptoms made me unfit to work. My throbbing headaches, nauseas, made me literally a 'house potato'. Nasib baik masa tu dah ada Internet, albeit a maha super slow one la kan masa tu baru mula2 nak ada internet (yes i'm THAT old). It doesn't help also that i kept burning the midnight oil lepas exam to sebab addicted to IRC. hahahahha. those channels and nukes.

Anyway, my point is, caffeine withdrawal is  indeed serious business. Sgt terseksa. Masa tu every week i went to see doctor. Tak pesal2 kena check darah, and masa tu jugak la baru discover that aku ni Rhesus -ve. How convenient. Masa tu takde google. Paling terer pun Yahoo. So information mmg sgt kurang la. Tu yang rasa diri macam handicapped. Masa tu pening ya rabbi. Rasa lethargic gila babas. Sakit tulang. Sakit otot. And aku mampu tido lebih dari 24 jam. Depressed pun aku rasa ada jugak la sikit2.

Kemudian keluar result SPM yang menghampakan. Lagi lah depressed. Looking back i think it continued until mid-college, sebab i remember being able to sleep for more than 24hrs back to back. Tak tidur 3 hari straight pun penah jugak.

1st year keja, dah ada duit dalam tangan, addicted to Starbucks pulak. Tiap2 minggu, at least sekali kena minum. THE drink masa tu adalah Rhumba. Masa me and my girlfriend made our weekly homage to SB only to find that the drink had been abruptly discontinued, kitorang macam nak menjerit. Tak percaya. I remember we quizzed the barrista macam penjenayah. Tak cukup dengan tu, kitorang siap pegi branch SB yang lain, tanya betul ke news yang kitorang dengar ni.

Yes, addiction can make you do things.

I've entirely stopped drinking coffee. Kalau ada pun macam sekali sekala terasa nak mengada. See, the basis dah different. Dulu rasa PERLU, NEED minum kopi. Now kalau terasa nak mengada, baru beli. Caffeine-wise, aku rasa kurang la and still definitely ada sebab kadang2 tu minum gak sodas/carbonated & energy drinks. And now i'm an avid fan of tea, so confirm la ada caffeine tu tapi insyaAllah dalam dose yang sikit.

It's alarming to discover how much it did control my life. Some might say that aku saja je nak salahkan orang/benda lain selain aku, it's not true, most of the time mmg aku asyik salahkan diri aku sendiri sampai depressed ok. This new knowledge somehow elevates that shadow, sebab baru aku tau sebenarnye it's a  medical condition. Things would've been better kalau i knew this before, but the most important thing is, is that I'm aware of this 'silent poison'.

Eh, sekali dah mentaip, macam nak taip lagi. Adakah blogging akan menjadi 'recurring addiction' aku? haha.

Menarik. Apa kata aku listkan things yang sedang/pernah jadi addiction aku:

Facebook - sedang
Blogging - pernah/ mungkin sedang

Google. (ye, there is such a thing as addicted-to-google, i swear!)-sedang




shopping-pernah (i wish!)

maya karin/fazura/vanidah imran - sedang

true blood series 1-pernah tak habis je list sampai esok. hmmMM. oh. on thing i'm definitely addicted to:

  • EN. ALFIAN -(jgn salahkan aku la kan..bagi can le..suami aku jauh di Miri. sekali sekala bila dia balik aku jadi ala2 jakun. lepas tu bila dia pulang ke Miri, itu yang jadi withdrawal semacam tu.)
ok lah. jap gi tulis pasal benda lain pulak.

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

All that I give I give to myself.

I had lunch with a girlfriend at Kinokuniya the other day. I was telling myself the day before to get another book. Get something that can be inspiring. Me and my girl were discussing about how to find ourselves again, how to adapt to the inevitable changes that Life has brought upon us, changes that inevitably comes with our set of choices. How to be independent while being dependent. What was different then. Stuff like that. It's important, girl talk. It IS.

Which brought us to the subject that we used to write, to channel our thoughts, our energy. It doesnt help that my previous blogs are now defunct. Sayang jugak, since I've been writing since 2003. So taking chance of that moment, konon-konon buat la blog baru. Tapi sampai hari ni tak tertulis-tulis.

Going back to the lunch date, I went with a mindset to buy a book. A book I've googled earlier, kebetulan buku tu lebih kurang sama tajuk dgn blog aku yang baru online tu. Lepas makan, pegi la cari buku tu. I find myself gravitating towards books pasal thoughts2 ni, especially after reading buku Greg Mortensen tu. I know, i should read la books pasal leadership ke pasal duit ke, but i find those books as more of an instruction. It feels more like a chore. You have to do this, do that. And i know now that i dont work really well with instructions. Lagi di suruh, lagi tak dibuat.

Aaaaanyway, about that book. From Kino's directory kiosk, jumpa la jugak. Dalam database tunjuk macam banyak je buku dia kat situ. Tapi bila pegi tgk kat shelf, ada satu title je. Satu pun jaaadilah..nanti pegi Borders pulak kot-kot ada titles dia yang lain.

So last night i had the time to read it. A few pages je, sebab terlalu penat & mata berat (sampai rumah pukul 9plus). The book is a collection of thoughts. You know, it's like the feeling you get when you read Kahlil Gibran's books. It reads like that voice in your head. It's incredible.

So today i googled more about him. Ada satu site tulis pasal semua quote2 dia. It seems like i only discovered him late in my life. Aku sorang je kot? But according to him it's not too late. And did i mention that the book was placed under the "Mid Life Crisis" section? Sounds funny, but maybe i am going through that, i guess. So many questions, so little bravery to go out and find the answers. Chicken sh*t, kata orang.

 So there you go, sebenarnya aku cuma nak cerita pasal aku tengah cuba baca buku ni je. Takde topic hangat pun. Thanks sebab sudi 'mendengar' thoughts aku ini.

So i'll end with his quote i found from a website. Something that i would like to tell myself everyday. Today, i'll start today. Today I tell myself this:

I am responsible for what I see.
I can elect to change all thoughts that hurt.
I could see peace instead of THIS.
The past is over - it can touch me not.
This instant is the only time there is.
Today I will judge nothing that occurs.
I am not the victim of the world I see.
I can escape from the world I see by giving up attack thoughts.
I am determined to see things differently.
I am never upset for the reason I think.
Forgiveness is the key to happiness.

All that I give I give to myself.

Hugh Prather
~Love Is Letting Go of Fear

Friday, October 23, 2009