Tegar.

banyak benda happened in between being a mother to my baby, wife/friend/lover to my husband, worker in the rat race, daughter to my parents, etc etc.

i'm telling you, it's overwhelming.

I guess i'm not used to this new altitude of multitasking. I want to be the best mom/wife/love/friend/daughter/worker that I can be but sometimes (ehem, many times (double ehem, maybe at all times?)) I feel that I'm just not cut out for it. Maybe I am, or maybe it's just true that I'm not able to do it all. If  I really can maybe I'm moving at too slow a pace, slower than a snail. What's slower than a snail? A baby snail. No, a FAT snail. yeah.

As a result I disappoint not a few. I failed my husband, and really, that means i failed me. Sometimes i'm scared that i have this secret depression inside. This invisible tumor that's lurking in the dark corners of my heart.

How do people find the time to do it all? How do people have the time to research about stuff when they have to tend to the baby? And when they go to work how do they managed to stay awake?

It's also hard when sometimes i feel that i cant talk to anybody about it. My mom would of course be on my side, but sometimes she'd fire up the negativity and i end up feeling worse, or worse, i end up deciding on the negative side of the plate. My sisters, um, the elder one is ever willing to listen but somehow the news would get to my mom and it'll get blown out of proportion. My MIL is great, but would i bitch about my life, or her son to her? NOT.

I know i have a lot to be thankful of. Generally I'm happy. I've a lot to be happy about. My husband is a great man, great father, all round provider. My baby boy is just beautiful and yummy i just want to eat his little fingers and little toes and kuih pau pipi all day. My parents are fine and dandy. My parents-in-law are too. I still have my job, and work is piling up. yes, i'm grateful for that too. Apart from my waddling tummy due to the c-sect, i think physically i'm improving, bit by bit.

But somehow when I hit the bed at night i cant stop from thinking all these negative thoughts. Yes, my husband is great but I cant seem to match his greatness. I'm like this perempuan bodoh who happens to be married to a great king. Yes my baby boy is beautiful, healty and yummy but I'm so afraid of screwing things up like I'm so used to be doing. Yes my parents are still alive and healthy but i cant hide my guilt of not being the daughter that they deserve.

Sometimes i feel that i'm all f*%#$d up. Oh, and I always feel that I cant talk to husband that freely anymore because of all these negative energy inside me. I always conclude that he'll be more disappointed with me anyway so why bother?

Sometimes i purposely hang out with people who laugh a lot. Those who just ooze with positivity hoping that the vibe would catch up with me. Maybe i didnt pray hard enough coz even if the sejadah was wet with tears  i'd be all down again before bed.

Ini ke namanya meroyan?