a new journey begins

Wow, March now. Mid March.

How time flies by, eh?

Looking back at last year, last i blogged about my life, I was struggling with all-day nausea, terrible hair loss, fatigue. Thanks for the microprolactinoma prescription drugs I've been taking.

Looking back again, I was struggling with my self-induced worry/stress about my biological clock. I remember buying home pregnancy test in multi-packets, testing if i were pregnant month after month. Of course only to get even more upset when the tests turned out negative. I remember trying almost every petua on what to eat, what to do, what Not to do. To the point that i think it annoyed the Man. And of course, I was sort of annoyed as well when he always answers back with, "no worries!" when i showed him the negative results. While i know that he's in no rush to have children and doesn't want me to be pressured into pregnancy, it seems to me at that time as if my concerns were not adressed. haha. Well yeah, i'm the emotional one la I admit.

And it took a tumor in the head to let it all go. Well not saying that I gave up trying for a baby, it's just that there's something else to, erm, blame. And nothing beats a tumor, eh? Nobody would talk back regarding tumors, not even me. I mean, what do you say to the answer of "kenapa belum ada baby, tgh planning ke?" question: "tak lah..ada tumor dalam kepala". hahaha of course terdiam kan? Hebat sungguh Allah.

So Hubster came back for good. And so the friction/gaduh-gaduh period came and went, life went on as usual. Usual for me meant the above nausea and fatigue and hairloss.

I was a week late in January, when i saw one last piece of the home pregnany test i bought months before. Husband was out running. Contemplated for a few seconds and i said to myself, "What the heck, just finish it off. It's goind to show -ve anyway." And it did. It showed only one line. And you know what? I wasn't even disappointed. Because i have let it go. So i dismissed it, thinking it's one of the effects of the drugs I was taking.

Then came another week, which got me worried. I'm not a fan of pimples, which had started to sprout across the forehead. I wanted to blame the drugs again, but I just had to make sure. Who would want to live the rest of the year with pimples? Not me. Dont like..

So a visit to the 'favourite' gynae, I had. He asked, do you think or feel pregnant? Is your husband around? Is he back for good? To the risk of being lectured I told him I did a home test, which was negative.  Told him although I could be pregnant under normal circumstances, but maybe the drugs hindered the process.

Ok, he gave me that 'look' for sure. As if I'm the expert, that look says. He had me on a blood test..

Apparently the drugs fooled the home test kit with the levels of HcG. Or maybe the kit expired or damaged, lama sgt dalam fridge. The doc phoned me from his office to tell me ,

"there's a likely possibility that you are indeed pregnant".

I was on the escalator baru balik lunch, he told me to come in later that week for a scan. It took me a while to digest it, sebab kind of tak ingat pun that I was supposed to know the blood test's results that day.

In the elevator the good doc's voice played over and over. Adakah aku patut rasa excited? A likely possibility? Tapi lama-lama macam tersenyum sorang-sorang pulak. Sampai office, went to the husband and told him ala-ala casual la, Hey so the doc said i might be pregnant. Tapi tak tahan senyum-senyum jugak la sikit. And the Husband's response?

"OK. Dont get too excited now"

Yeah I know, sounds cold eh. Agak terasa dampen gak la time tu. Huh! But he's just looking out for me, he knows I cant handle this thing called hope. Either that, or he himself is still traumatised by our loss last year. Well I do think he secretly smiles to himself tapi tak tunjuk kat orang. *love you baby*

So.....that's a few months ago. That explains the writing hiatus eh? I wanted to only share the first few intimate months with the husband. Mebbe it's the cautiousness in us. Tak nak excited sgt dulu takut tak jadi...lagi. Orang tua-tua kata takyah hebah kalau awal-awal. OK, ikut je. But I still avoid the middle cubicle in the office toilet sampai sekarang sebab situ la tumpah darah masa miscarriage dulu. Seriau.

Now into the 2nd trimester. Alhamdulillah no extreme expulsion to things, well, only tuna & oranges, but so far food/makan-wise ok lah. Back pains..check, fatigue/muntah/pening/nausea..check, mood swings...erm, maaaaaybe laaahhh (The Husband knows). Hihihi. Cravings...erm..so far takde yang pelik-pelik nak daging harimau or petai gunung or whatever la alhamdulillah. I guess I'm one of those who'll get HUMUNGOUS during pregnancy, because i've started showing into the 3rd month! *shudder*. Now boleh la nak sambung blogging/ranting about pregnancy, baby, and whatever. I'll put up pics of the scans later. Oh, and i will need to prepare lists of stuff to prepare for the kid. Haha. Rasa kelakar referring to the baby The Kid.

Kesimpulannya, Allah tahu apa, siapa, bila, di mana yang terbaik untuk kita. I believe that. And I believe that this child growing inside is the best for it's mummy and daddy.

We love you Kiddo!