percubaan pertama menshopping: NIL

seperti biasa, bila kita set out untuk mencari sesuatu, sesuatu itu seperti main nyorok2 dgn kita.

Takde yang berkenan di hati langsung. Ada satu blazer 3/4 sleeves kat Topshop ni yang menepati ciri2 yang dikehendaki, tapi size takde. AND takde kat semua outlet Klang Valley pulak tu!!

itu namanya takde jodoh.

Ouch. Deja vu. Tingat time single dulu. P

Dan seperti biasa, bila nak cari sesuatu, sesuatu yang lain pula yang kita nampak.

Agak menarik, penulis kegemaran ramai (termasuk aku & sang hubby), Paulo Coelho, bagi pinjam nama untuk t-shirt edisi terhad MNG.

bila search kat internet, tgk macam comel je kan?

 

Quotes dia menarik. Solidarity, Love, Dreams & Courage.Very Coelho.

Tapi masalah aku bila tgk quote2 sebegini ialah aku akan teringat kat toilet. U know, kat rumah mak2 kita dorang akan gantung these inspirational quotes either kat toilet atau kat dapur. Tak masalah ke tu? Kang asik nak terberak je, masalah la tu kan?

Dont worry, aku tak beli pun. Tegar!!

justification. see? i'm a little bit wiser. haha

teringin nk shopping.

dan2 sekarang tgh sale ye dak. while i do need to clear my wardrobe. apa salahnye kumpul future stuff dalam wishlist kan?

so here goes.

Wishlist 1: dark coloured & acid washed jeans

- when i was pregnant, as expected, my butt happily expanded. yes, walaupun baru 1st trimester masa tu, mungkin dah mmg dalam DNA aku agaknya, those southern cheeks dengan gembiranya 'membesar'. I refused to buy new jeans then, adamant that i wont be wearing pregnant jeans for long anyway. True enough, i hadn't the opportunity to become a mother. While we dealt with the sad fact that it was not our turn to become parents quite smoothly, the fat accumulated in the short months did not, however, happily fade away as fast as i would prefer it to be. Still, aku berusaha untuk tidak beli jeans baru. Natijahnya, jeans2 kesayanganku tewas dalam usaha membalut tuannya. 2 dari jeans 'keyakinan' aku telah koyak (sob!sob!). Ya, aku panggil mereka jeans 'keyakinan' sebab bila pakai mmg rasa perasan cun. Aku ada beberapa set 'keyakinan' yang lain macam baju/shirt/undies/lingerie dll. Jeans yang lain?? Oh, mereka semua dibeli semasa aku size 6-7. Nak pakai skang boleh, tapi part nak zip & butang tu mmg kena berperang la. Yang size 8 ada, tapi aku tak yakin pakai sebab sad to say, aku masih ada 'mushroom top'. (Ye sayang, i akan cuba sedaya upaya untuk eliminate perut ini. Sementara tu i do have to dress nicely for you osso kan? kan?). Oleh itu, aku dengan ini  'yakin' bahawa keperluan untuk membeli jeans baru adalah justified.

Wishlist #2 - Black blazer

- Black blazer adalah jawapan instant apabila a) tiada idea nak pakai apa gi keja; b) perasaan tidak cun menguasai diri; c) perasaan malas nak iron; d) memerlukan keyakinan extra pada hari2 kritikal macam interview/presentation/etc. Senang, pakai tshirt/spaghetti/tanktop pastu sarung blazer then accesorize. Blazers yang ada, semua size S atau XS. Tak tahu la kenapa, tapi lepas kawin ni tulang bahu jadi lebar (byk 'tekan tubi'? hahaha joking joking 18sx jgn marah). So kalau sekarang ni takat sarung boleh la, tapi bila butang, nampak macam pinjam blazer pengawas darjah enam. Stretched gila. Hari tu masa forum terpaksa pinjam blazer dari girlfriend. Takkan tiap2 minggu nak pinjam kat orang kan? Dengan ini, sekali lagi wishlist aku telah dijustify.

Wishlist #3 - Work shirts.

- refer to #1 & #2. Tapi kalau boleh nak cari shirts yang boleh transcend opis environment + casual. Jimat sket plus nampak sket la kan macam orang nak umur 30 (yes, i still get that spm ke? or upsr ke? remarks. *sigh*). Been looking at some boyfriend shirts for some time, tapi kengkadang nampak macam terlalu casual plak kan. We'll see how la. Tak kira. Justified gak la ni kan? kan?

ok la tanak wish list byk2 la kan (walaupun dalam kepala kompem akan teringin tengok-tengok kasut ((tengok-tengok je ok!)), handbag dan sebagainya), karang kena audit ngan hasben takleh jawab pulak. dah la next year nak reno rumah. wardrobe sekarang pun tak clear2 lagi walaupun dah giveaway berkotak2. Bila insyaallah ada baby next year mana pulak nak letak budak tu kan. aduh...pening pening..

wajah baru yang tak berapa baru

amacam. ok tak?

nampak macam ok kan blogtheme ni. bersih, tapi masih comel. macam aku. heh!

cakap pasal comel, tadi video call macam biasa dgn hubby sebelum nak tidur. katanya aku sungguh gemuk. dia kata pipi aku terlalu penuh.

ye, aku tau aku mmg pesennye senang nampak gemuk. dan pesennye senang untuk gemuk.

aku sedar tapi apesal ntah tiba2 aku terasa. patut ke? tadi pakai seluar keja yang boleh pakai sebelum kawin, macam dah turun. :(

hubby tak patut dipersalahkan. di duduk jauh kat sana. kompem la bila videocall isteri nak tgk isteri yang cantik, yang kurus, yang comel, yang putih, yang anggun. Ye, mmg paham.

tapi aku cut the videocall. konon merajuk la. ye la ala2 terasa kan. pastu bila call balik, nasib baik hubby bukak topik lain. tanya pasal petunia lah apa lah. mmg pandai.

but really, damn you heidi klum/ victoria beckham/ erra fazira for setting unrealistic expectations!

ok lah.good night.


:|

the one about the ass(hole)

aku gagahi jua menulis hari ini. dah seminggu tak update.

we've been hell busy for the last couple of weeks. It was an interesting project, semua contractors pun chip in, work together. Ada yang ok to work with, and ada yang sungguh siput sekali.

There's this one senior manager who we answer to regarding the project. Mula2, macam ok la. Buddy2 konon sebab kitorang PMU. But i think he started to succumb to pressure and mula tengking2 orang. Terus dalam kepala i teringat m lady boss from hell. Contract keja tak penah bagi, confirmation delay2, bagi gaji pakai cash, epf kompem takde, baling2 artwork(dulu aku keja graphic designer) depan muka. Ewah. Ko ingat ko pangkat datin ko boleh treat orang macam sampah? Konon masuk islam tapi pagi2 suruh kitorang bakar colok kat tokong kecik belakang pantry yang 'dijamu' dengan miniature artwork2 yang dah dijual. Sorry la kan nak suruh aku buat camtu. Aku rasa aku dah balas balik kat dia dgn setimpal. Tipu kata pegi jumpa doktor, tapi sebenarnya pegi interview kat kampeni blok lagi satu. Lepas tu without notice next week nye aku dah keja tempat lain. Siapa suruh delay2 aku punya confirmation? padan muka.

OK mungkin masa tu aku mentah lagi dan mungkin orang akan kata aku bersikap tak professional. Pada aku, kalau bos professional, kita pun akan professional. And sepatutnya kalau kita profesional, bos pun akan ikut flow kita professional la kan. Tapi bagi gaji tiap2 bulan pun main baling2 je, apa kes? Treat orang macam anjing, siapa boleh tahan?

OK back to the emo manager, we were going through some final things for the event and he was like raising his voice a la Nasir Bilal Khan. Haaa? Haaa? Hello, kalau kau cuak dengan legal atau corporate affairs, kejadah jemput presiden, kejadah offer jadi co-chairman? When things are out of focus, it's your job to group the pawns together and work at the solutions. Do you think people are cowered when they hear you howling? Lagi bitching ada la. Silap la kan.

Anyway, lega gak la rasanya the event dah habis so we dont have to see his face anymore.

*********************
Lately ni aku suka stalk blogshops. Kemudian aku akan terfikir, kenapa aku tak buat? Berkoyan-koyan baju kat rumah, penuh 2 bilik, tak cukup satu wardrobe, kemudian shelf, kemudian letak atas katil, penuh beg2 besar, dan bukannya pakai pun. Jawapan kepada previous soalan tu ialah, takde jawapan. Kenapa? Kenapa aku tak buat? Bukan ke sang husband dah belikan camera yang canggih? Mungkin jawapan yang paling sesuai ialah....aku ni pemalas orangnya. Jawapan tersebut mmg tak boleh diterima la kan. Especially sang husband yang paling pantang dgn orang pemalas.

Tapi macam mana nak catalog all the bajus? I mean, confirm la kan aku ni renek nan rendang je, so orang yang  >160cm kompem la takleh pakai. Dah la pungkok besaq. Tapi mungkin ramai yang kat luar sana yang rendang tapi with well-endowed bottoms ek? (ewah well endowed konon. mengaku je la bontot besar!). Setakat ni gefren-joging-gedik aku ingin nak join. And camne nak attract traffic? Patut buat blogshop sendiri atau hog the makciken forums? Apa nama nak bagi? Kalau boleh aku tanak guna perkataan-perkataan cliche macam pre-loved etc. Nama yang straightforward tapi nampak ikhlas. Camne tu?

Semoga Allah memberi aku kekuatan dan kerajinan untuk mengambil gambar baju-baju tersebut dan memberi peluang rezeki kepada aku. Dan juga memberi peluang untuk aku mengumpul wardrobe baru (*haaaaa mungkin ini dapat jadi pemangkin kerajinan).

Sila berikan pendapat atau tips anda. Makaceh.

bygones that is not but should be

"bygones"

Siapa follow Ally McBeal dulu mesti tau ni tagline Richard Fish. Sikit-sikit, bygones, bygones.


bygone[bahy-gawn, -gon]

adjective
1. past; gone by; earlier; former: The faded photograph brought memories of bygone days.
noun
2. Usually, bygones. that which is past: Let's not talk of bygones.
Idiom
3. let bygones be bygones, to decide to forget past disagreements; become reconciled: Let's let bygones be bygones and be friends again.

I'm a firm believer of letting bygones be. However somehow we all will encounter that deja vu or karma, the feeling that we are haunted by our past.

Some week ago, an ex-boyfriend casually sent me a message over Facebook. Casually. Oh so convenient. Mungkin korang akan tanya, kalau aku malas nak layan apesal aku approve friend request dia. Ok la, i won't be petty about stuff, it's jsut because we share common friends i just refuse to give him that 'bahan' to talk shit behind me. Ye la, dah messed up hidup aku sampai aku fobia pada cinta (ewah, ni boleh jadi title/lirik lagu melayu ni), lepas tu dengan penuh innocent nye happily skipping in nak cakap HI apa khabar. Ok fine la kan, i'll take the highway and graciously layan ala kadar je la.

Ok about that oh-so-casual message. Mmg la before ni ada la to & fro tanya khabar and what not, which aku boleh tahan lagi la sebab tak mengganggu hidup aku pun. Plus it's not like aku yang initiate the communication pun. Like i said, i've always tried to take the highway la when he comes into the picture.

So it turns out that he & i are NEIGHBOURS. Tak tahan sungguh words like "laa...tak sangka" when i'm pretty sure i did tell him that i stayed there for like a year plus dah. Ok fine i know that malaysia ni tak la besar sgt, and selangor/kl kompem la kecik je, and i dont own the freaking neighborhood especially, but what are the odds of having to cross paths probably everyday with the man who practically made me shun love for 5++ years? Dah la kompem rumah aku dkt dgn the common tasik where definitely almost everyone akan pegi lepak kat situ. Kalau tak terserempak sekarang, kompem la akan terserempak in the future.

Aku tak berdendam. No, jauh sekali dari berdendam. I have in fact, moved on. I've luckily found a man who really loves me, and i'm madly in love with him too. He takes me for ME, and at the same time brings out the best in me. Yes, aku sangat2 bertuah. But deep down inside me there is a fear of being LEFT, being out of his gracious love, perennially etched in my brains because of that past. And i certainly dont need a physical reminder of that.

I dont want to be afraid of love, or to love.

And it's not that i regret having experienced that failed love. I am what i am today more or less, because of that experience. I now see that with every failure when we try to love, we learn to know what we don't want, what we dont need. It's what you take away from that experience that makes your soul richer. Dented, or more likely bruised, but definitely richer.

Soalannya ialah, kenapa tak boleh clean cut aje? Well, isn't it YOU yang tried your best to creep out of my life dulu? Fine, duduk la mana2 yang hang suka, tapi awat nak INFORM jugak yang hang duduk mana? Mmg la aku takleh halang sesiapa nak beli rumah kat situ, siapa ada duit, beli la. Tapi tolong la evolve sikit, sensitive sikit pada keadaan sekeliling, kalau tak nak consider how i feel at least consider la perasaan bini dia sendiri betul tak. Boleh pulak nak konon 'semangat kejiranan' like that. Euwh, agak geli di situ.

So now aku dah delete dia dari friend's list aku. Common friends in the list, still there. And you know what? I dont mind if dorang baca. Nak jadikan bahan mengumpat? Silakan. Boleh la dorang tau that i dont want to have anything to do with the fella.

Aku tak balas pun message tu, terus delete. haha.

Like i said, BYGONES.

i'm a big pile of hormones today. selamat la kena bambu. :P

you're my addiction

A recent status update in my Facebook account got some interesting responses from some. Oh well, it's good to know that people actually take status updates quite seriously. hehe.




if Men are like Coffee, then i think i'm having aflian-withdrawal syndrome

It's interesting, how people are instantly drawn to the WITHDRAWAL section. It's us isn't it? We're all usually more drawn towards negativity, the Bad is instantaneously in bold rather than trying to find the Good in things/situations.

*note to self: to try to find Good dulu, baru la cari worst case scenarios*

Although the alfian-withdrawal syndrome tu mengikut sedap telinga and keyboard aku aje, however it made me think, really, about the withdrawal thingy. And also about caffeine. Further googling reveals that caffeine withdrawal symptoms is actually a serious medical condition.

I now realize that I had experienced those symptoms way back then. Especially after the SPM exams are over. Boy i used to consumed coffee by pots at one go. Masa tu gila study sampai pagi. Coffee, books, notes, and a Walkman sambil ditemani Glenn Ong (konon masa tu he's the King of late night radio, well, in singapore la at least. tapi mmg best gila. i love him). Petang2 masa prep dah pening/migraine. Makan panadol 6 bijik. Malam minum lagi kopi. Ye, mmg gila.

So after the exams i was back at home, mmg cut off la from kopi since parents aku tak minum kopi sgt. Cadang tu nak kerja odd job masa tu tapi those symptoms made me unfit to work. My throbbing headaches, nauseas, made me literally a 'house potato'. Nasib baik masa tu dah ada Internet, albeit a maha super slow one la kan masa tu baru mula2 nak ada internet (yes i'm THAT old). It doesn't help also that i kept burning the midnight oil lepas exam to sebab addicted to IRC. hahahahha. those channels and nukes.

Anyway, my point is, caffeine withdrawal is  indeed serious business. Sgt terseksa. Masa tu every week i went to see doctor. Tak pesal2 kena check darah, and masa tu jugak la baru discover that aku ni Rhesus -ve. How convenient. Masa tu takde google. Paling terer pun Yahoo. So information mmg sgt kurang la. Tu yang rasa diri macam handicapped. Masa tu pening ya rabbi. Rasa lethargic gila babas. Sakit tulang. Sakit otot. And aku mampu tido lebih dari 24 jam. Depressed pun aku rasa ada jugak la sikit2.

Kemudian keluar result SPM yang menghampakan. Lagi lah depressed. Looking back i think it continued until mid-college, sebab i remember being able to sleep for more than 24hrs back to back. Tak tidur 3 hari straight pun penah jugak.

1st year keja, dah ada duit dalam tangan, addicted to Starbucks pulak. Tiap2 minggu, at least sekali kena minum. THE drink masa tu adalah Rhumba. Masa me and my girlfriend made our weekly homage to SB only to find that the drink had been abruptly discontinued, kitorang macam nak menjerit. Tak percaya. I remember we quizzed the barrista macam penjenayah. Tak cukup dengan tu, kitorang siap pegi branch SB yang lain, tanya betul ke news yang kitorang dengar ni.

Yes, addiction can make you do things.

I've entirely stopped drinking coffee. Kalau ada pun macam sekali sekala terasa nak mengada. See, the basis dah different. Dulu rasa PERLU, NEED minum kopi. Now kalau terasa nak mengada, baru beli. Caffeine-wise, aku rasa kurang la and still definitely ada sebab kadang2 tu minum gak sodas/carbonated & energy drinks. And now i'm an avid fan of tea, so confirm la ada caffeine tu tapi insyaAllah dalam dose yang sikit.

It's alarming to discover how much it did control my life. Some might say that aku saja je nak salahkan orang/benda lain selain aku, it's not true, most of the time mmg aku asyik salahkan diri aku sendiri sampai depressed ok. This new knowledge somehow elevates that shadow, sebab baru aku tau sebenarnye it's a  medical condition. Things would've been better kalau i knew this before, but the most important thing is, is that I'm aware of this 'silent poison'.

Eh, sekali dah mentaip, macam nak taip lagi. Adakah blogging akan menjadi 'recurring addiction' aku? haha.

Menarik. Apa kata aku listkan things yang sedang/pernah jadi addiction aku:



Facebook - sedang
Blogging - pernah/ mungkin sedang


Google. (ye, there is such a thing as addicted-to-google, i swear!)-sedang

coffee-pernah


tea-sedang


panadol-pernah


shopping-pernah (i wish!)


maya karin/fazura/vanidah imran - sedang

true blood series 1-pernah

lagi..mm.....macam tak habis je list sampai esok. hmmMM. oh. on thing i'm definitely addicted to:

• EN. ALFIAN -(jgn salahkan aku la kan..bagi can le..suami aku jauh di Miri. sekali sekala bila dia balik aku jadi ala2 jakun. lepas tu bila dia pulang ke Miri, itu yang jadi withdrawal semacam tu.)

ok lah. jap gi tulis pasal benda lain pulak.

All that I give I give to myself.

I had lunch with a girlfriend at Kinokuniya the other day. I was telling myself the day before to get another book. Get something that can be inspiring. Me and my girl were discussing about how to find ourselves again, how to adapt to the inevitable changes that Life has brought upon us, changes that inevitably comes with our set of choices. How to be independent while being dependent. What was different then. Stuff like that. It's important, girl talk. It IS.

Which brought us to the subject that we used to write, to channel our thoughts, our energy. It doesnt help that my previous blogs are now defunct. Sayang jugak, since I've been writing since 2003. So taking chance of that moment, konon-konon buat la blog baru. Tapi sampai hari ni tak tertulis-tulis.

Going back to the lunch date, I went with a mindset to buy a book. A book I've googled earlier, kebetulan buku tu lebih kurang sama tajuk dgn blog aku yang baru online tu. Lepas makan, pegi la cari buku tu. I find myself gravitating towards books pasal thoughts2 ni, especially after reading buku Greg Mortensen tu. I know, i should read la books pasal leadership ke pasal duit ke, but i find those books as more of an instruction. It feels more like a chore. You have to do this, do that. And i know now that i dont work really well with instructions. Lagi di suruh, lagi tak dibuat.

Aaaaanyway, about that book. From Kino's directory kiosk, jumpa la jugak. Dalam database tunjuk macam banyak je buku dia kat situ. Tapi bila pegi tgk kat shelf, ada satu title je. Satu pun jaaadilah..nanti pegi Borders pulak kot-kot ada titles dia yang lain.

So last night i had the time to read it. A few pages je, sebab terlalu penat & mata berat (sampai rumah pukul 9plus). The book is a collection of thoughts. You know, it's like the feeling you get when you read Kahlil Gibran's books. It reads like that voice in your head. It's incredible.

So today i googled more about him. Ada satu site tulis pasal semua quote2 dia. It seems like i only discovered him late in my life. Aku sorang je kot? But according to him it's not too late. And did i mention that the book was placed under the "Mid Life Crisis" section? Sounds funny, but maybe i am going through that, i guess. So many questions, so little bravery to go out and find the answers. Chicken sh*t, kata orang.

 So there you go, sebenarnya aku cuma nak cerita pasal aku tengah cuba baca buku ni je. Takde topic hangat pun. Thanks sebab sudi 'mendengar' thoughts aku ini.

So i'll end with his quote i found from a website. Something that i would like to tell myself everyday. Today, i'll start today. Today I tell myself this:

I am responsible for what I see.
I can elect to change all thoughts that hurt.
I could see peace instead of THIS.
The past is over - it can touch me not.
This instant is the only time there is.
Today I will judge nothing that occurs.
I am not the victim of the world I see.
I can escape from the world I see by giving up attack thoughts.
I am determined to see things differently.
I am never upset for the reason I think.
Forgiveness is the key to happiness.

All that I give I give to myself.

Hugh Prather
~Love Is Letting Go of Fear

hey!!!